The Letters From Hell - Part 1

May 15, 2006

Dear Dad and Sarah,

I hope this letter finds you in good spirits. I am doing fine so far. I am sober and have not had a cigarette in 10 days. I am eating as well as I can and sleeping a couple of hours in the night and a couple in the day. Mentally I am in a surreal state of not believing where I am at and the reality of what it is. I am deeply sorry for everything I have put and am putting the family through. I am very ashamed and embarrassed about my situation. If there is a bottom, this has got to be mine. I feel as though I have just given up – I tried to beat alcohol but it has won. At the moment I cannot address the things I have done and the things I will face when I get out. I am currently just in survival mode – trying to stay safe and keep my mind from going wacky.

I got Sarah’s letter and it made me cry. Crying is not a good thing to do in jail, so I hid it the best I could. Sarah – please know that I love you and do not hold you at fault in the least. You were doing what was best and I know that.

In comparison to 90% of the other inmates here I know I am very blessed. Although most of them seem to have families, they are not very supportive ones. In fact, crime and bad things in general seem to permeate their families. In my cell alone one inmate’s wife is also here and one inmate’s mother is here (same correctional facility). I am very thankful for the family I have and so proud of it I cannot talk about it in detail with the other inmates for fear of some sort of retribution. They all like to brag about their families so yours had better not be nicer than theirs.

One thing I have found out about being in jail is that every one here is innocent of any wrong doings they have ever been accused of. So I guess I am really surrounded by a bunch of saints and have nothing to worry about. I, on the other hand, know I am guilty as hell. Perhaps I can use my notoriety to forge some kind of bulletproof persona that strikes fear and awe in my fellow cellmates. Seriously, I do have concerns. I have been told that because of my size (and I am by far the smallest on the block) that it is inevitable I will be picked on and stolen from. The best advice I have gotten is to not get in anybody else’s business and do not comment about anybody or anything- also do not get a lot of stuff from the commissary and do not gamble.

I have made two “friends” since my incarceration. One is here on bank robbery – 4 banks to be exact. He has been in jail 16 months – 3 of that here at ******. The other has been here for 20 months, the scary thing is, he is in for DUI’s, he does however have a lot of priors and has previously spent 4 years in prison. The bank robber has taught me the ropes and has even stood up for me in a confrontational situation. Deep down I believe they are both decent people that have had their own battles with substance abuse. But here in jail, I have been told you have to “watch out” for everyone, even your “friends”.

I am sure my future letters will address my legal and monetary affairs. For right now I would just like to paint you a picture of my existence:

General Environment –

Cell Block A is about the size of half a basketball court, it reminds me of one because of the very high ceilings and the line that runs across its entrance like some sort of free throw line – it’s actually where they line up inmates from time to time. In the middle of the block there is a dining/socializing area that consists of 6 metal tables each with 8 metal stools. About 15 feet up one of the side walls is a 21 inch TV. The other facing wall consists of a bank of 4 phones – 1 of which is out of order. By the phones there are 2 video monitors with cameras above them and phones connected to them. These are provided for your visitations. In the back of the block are 4 cells, 2 on the ground level and 2 above them. I reside on the second level left hand side in Cell A9U1. Each sell is about 20 by 25 ft. and holds 12 inmates. There are 6 sets of metal bunk beds and I reside in bunk #8 which is on the bottom of the back wall. Each cell has a partitioning wall with a sink, toilet, and 2 showers on the other side of it; of course everything is out in the open. There are also 3 moveable plastic stools in each cell which are used as not only seats but also as a step ladders to get to the top bunks and as exercise equipment. The lights in the cell stay on 24 hours a day, I was told that they used to dim the lights at night but somehow the dimming function broke months ago. There are no windows to speak of, just 4 small holes at the very top of the block giving you a small glimpse of the sky – just enough so that you can tell if it’s daylight or dark, cloudy or sun-shining. Noise is a constant 24 hours a day of shouting, screaming, slamming, snoring and bathroom noises. The whole place smells like a mixture of toilet, sweat and feet. It is very chilly – I would say 60 degrees maybe – the guards says this cuts down on the fights.

Food (or lack thereof) –

Basically you get 3 very small meals a day. Breakfast is served between 4:30 and 5:00am and consists of the same thing 7 days a week. 1 egg scrambled or boiled, 1 biscuit, 1 serving of grits and one 6 ounce glass of Kool-Aid. Lunch is right around 12 noon and is usually the best meal of the day portion wise. It usually consists of instant mash potatoes, a vegetable of some sort, and some sort of imitation meat patty – dessert is the same every day – Jell-O, and one 6 ounce glass of Kool-Aid. Dinner is around 5pm and is usually centered on some kind of pasta, cornbread and as always one glass of Kool-Aid and Jell-O for dessert. There is a lot of swapping that goes on – grits for biscuits, vegetable for meat, Jell-O for cornbread. There are no such things as condiments (no ketchup!) or salt and pepper. There is nothing to drink except Kool-Aid – no milk, tea, coffee or coke. There are no vitamins. You can order items from the commissary (inmates call it “The Store”) but they are limited to potato chips, crackers, candy bars, honey buns, donuts, pickles and hard candy (no gum). You can also get the most nutritious item in all of jaildom – a 4 oz. cup of O.J. for 80 cents. Of course you have to have money on your books to order any of this. The most you can spend is $60 a week but that also includes not only your food but your clothing and hygiene items – which brings me to -

Hygiene -

12 inmates – 1 sink, 1 toilet, 2 showers all out in the open – no water fountain in the whole block, you have to drink water out of the shower head because the sink is too nasty. You get a roll of toilet paper twice a week (my first week we only got it once), a tube of toothpaste and a toothbrush about as big as your pinky finger (so it doesn’t really have a handle that I guess could be made into a weapon). You can order soap, shampoo, and deodorant from the store again only if you have $ on the books. Most people shower every other day unless they have played basketball outside. You get to shave twice a week. The razors are passed out and collected on Sunday and Thursday nights. They are numbered and assigned to you by name. You get about an hour and a half for everyone to shave. There is no shaving cream. I use a mixture of soap and toothpaste. If you loose your razor the whole block is “shook down” - everyone is strip-searched and the person whose razor goes missing (not found) gets up to a month in solitary confinement (they call it “Seg” – short for segregated from the rest of the inmate population). There is great speculation among the inmates that the razors we get on Sundays are the same one’s used on Thursdays and that they are simply washed in a dishwasher and reused – because they are always duller on Sundays. You are allowed one regular towel and one hand towel – these are washed once a week with your undergarments (if you have any) on Tuesdays. You can change your uniform on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays (as you can imagine they don’t exactly have my size and they come in varying degrees of distress.

You get two small white cotton sheets for your bed mat (no pillow) which are washed once a week on Thursdays. You also get one semi thick blanket as a cover for your bed (but you use it all day – wrapped around you to stay warm or folded up to use as a seat cushion), this is washed once a week also-on Saturdays. As I said they do provide toothpaste and a toothbrush, however if you have any other problems with your teeth the only option is “extraction” – yikes. All 48 inmates in my cell get to share one pair of nail clippers for their fingernails and toenails every two to three weeks. There is no jail barber, the inmates are supplied with a set of electric clippers every couple of weeks and then a designated inmate with “skills” cuts your hair and you have to pay him with food items. As you can imagine the styles are limited and I will probably opt for the standard crew cut.

Exercise –

Weather permitting you are allowed to go outside one hour a day. Outside is basically a pit with cage bars on top of it. There is a basketball rim on the side of the wall and that’s it. No exercise equipment, no walking track, and no grass even. All walled in concrete. To stay fit people play basketball (you know I love that), do pushups, sit-ups, and pull-ups under the stairs inside. 50 laps around the inside of the cell block = 1 mile or so I’m told.

Entertainment –

TV runs from 10am to 10pm intermittently –they shut it off during guard changes and meals. They also shut it off if there are any infractions of the rules. We are supposed to be able to vote on what we want to watch but I haven’t seen how that happens yet. We are allowed 4 channel changes a day. The majority of the day, especially primetime, it is on sports (basketball, racing and wrestling). Wrestling is really big in jail. The highlight for me so far has been a couple of episodes of “Star Trek TNG” and one “X-Files”. I have learned one card game since I have got here – Cajun Rummy – I’ve played three different times (usually takes about 2-3 hours) but have not won yet. It’s a game with so many rules it’s mind boggling. I have played checkers a couple of times – I have not won yet. The biggest game in the joint is Spades – this is the game people bet food items on – so I am staying clear of it. Dominoes is also very poplar but I have yet to play it. Books are my favorite thing to pass the time but the selection is very limited – so far I have read “The Horse Whisperer”, “Inner Sanctum”, and “A Painted House”.

Religion –

There is a lot of jail house religion going on. There is a bible study in my cell every night right by my bunk. I do not participate and kind of dread them because for two hours every night I do not have access to my bunk. They ask me if I mind and of course I say no. There are about 8-9 of them that participate. From what I know of them and the way they act outside of bible study they are a bunch of hypocrites trying only to make themselves feel better. There is a nightly “Prayer Call” where everyone goes down to the main area and holds hands and prays. Well, the young man that leads the prayer is also the leader of a small gang in here that have already accosted me once – so needless to say I do not participate in that activity either. There is one Black Muslim here who bunks right next to me and he is the only one I respect for his religion – by the way he acts and presents himself.

Well, that’s enough of ****** County Jail 101. All in all the guys that have been to prison say you are treated far worse in jail. Because a stay in prison is usually much longer they treat you a little bit better. Better food, cigarettes, coffee, exercise equipment, library, and recreational activities. You do however associate with an even more violent type of inmate and the threat of severe violence and sexual abuse are real. Drugs are also pretty prevalent. I miss everyone greatly, believe it or not I even miss ********* (where I hated working). I miss food. So far my cravings for alcohol have subsided – I guess just the fact that my brain knows there is know way of obtaining it – it has conceded.

It has taken me all day to write this letter – writing on and off and its now about 6:30 in the evening. They have just turned off the TV and sent us all to our cells for “lockdown” because some idiot was talking through the main cell door to an inmate passing by outside of our block. This means no phone calls tonight for anyone and I was planning on calling you and Paul. Say hello to everyone for me and try not to worry about me – I will survive.

Love,

Screedler

End of Letter



Just a few notes – This was my first letter and I had never spent more than a few hours in a jail before – never among the general inmate population. I am a short man 5’4’’, and weighed 112 pounds with my clothes on when I went in due to my lack of consuming anything other than alcohol. I am now a healthy (maybe too healthy) 160 pounds. It took me 10 days to finally write a letter because the first two days I was in solitary confinement going through the DT’s (where I scratched all the skin off my feet) with no medical attention and little food. I truly thought I was going to die and at the time I actually wished for it. It took me another week to obtain pen, paper and stamp to get a letter out.

I wrote about 2-3 letters a week while incarcerated and I will post them at least once a week here at TDA.

Stay tuned as my time in hell gets more interesting.



Screedler